Wanting to Be God but Found by GOD

I grew up in a very religious family. My parents were prominent members of the church who often contributed money for projects and scholarships. At home though, my father was an abusive and demanding person. For the smallest mistakes I made, he would give me a hard beating out of unexplainable rage without giving me a chance to reason out or defend myself. He would often beat me up while making me kneel down with outstretched arms in front of a crucifix. My heart grew hard with anger against my father to the point of plotting a plan to kill him. My view of Jesus on that crucifix was that of an impotent god, uncaring and unable to save me.

To escape this hostile environment I found acceptance among friends who introduced me to drugs. I chose to be in the company of drug users and pushers. Before long, the habit of using drugs turned into a way of life for me, not letting a day pass without using it. I became a slave to drugs but had too much pride to admit it. This went on for years and even led to a shot-gun marriage where I became an absentee husband and father. When I was around I would steal prescription drugs from the pharmacy where my wife was the chief pharmacist. My irresponsible behavior led to the annulment of our marriage and my son developed a hostile resentment against me. Through it all and with the constant use of drugs I had a false sense of being above everything, of being superior to everyone, of being god.

With my altered state of mind in a constant high, I was led to the yoga ideology. For the next twenty years I was an ardent yoga practitioner and worked full-time for an international yoga society. This is not the kind of yoga as we know it today as a form of fitness or stress relief. Rather, it is a system where one needs to exert maximum human effort for spiritual progress. It is taught that “struggle is the essence of life”, and that the ultimate goal of all these struggles is godhood. I was programmed to believe that one does not only become like god, but one can eventually be god.

This hardcore belief system involves deception, hypnosis, levitation, and many other horrible rituals performed in burial grounds that included human skulls, daggers, and cannibalism – all supposed to give me the power to attain godhood. I religiously followed all that was required of me. I received strict training in India and was posted as a yoga monk in other parts of the world for more than a decade. This gave me the status and the power that I believed I attained through my own efforts. At the same time I engaged in illegal activities for the benefit of the organization. This deception was planted so deeply in me to a point beyond logic, and it kept me in bondage to sin.

In July 2001, as I was preparing to set up a children’s home in Palawan as a front for one of my illegal activities when I met a college classmate who told me about God’s love. This initially sounded absurd as I was convinced of my ability to reach godhood. Through this meeting though, God prevailed on my plans. My friend shared the Good news about Jesus Christ with me, and on November 2003 I accepted the invitation to attend a worship service in CCF.

There, I felt God’s presence and from that time on I knew something right was happening to me which I had never experienced before. I began to realize that my convictions were nothing but a big lie. No amount of rituals could bring me salvation. Instead, I was filled with awe for the kind of love that God has for me – sending His Beloved Son to die for a sinner like me. I never knew this kind of a Fatherly love. Jesus Christ did it all for me. “It is finished”, as He said. Broken and shattered, I humbly surrendered my life to Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of my life.

The first thing that God led me to do as His new creation was to make amends with my father. God showed me Matthew 5:23-24 “So if you are standing before the altar in the temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” felt responsible to take the first step in trying to restore the broken relationship with my father. Knowing that in my heart I had already forgiven him, I decided to go home and share my new found faith in Jesus Christ. Though in my mind my father’s abuse could not be justified, God spoke to my heart through Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you.” I asked forgiveness from my father and in tears, embraced him for the very first time. Now I know Jesus Christ not as the uncaring man on the cross from my childhood, but as the living Savior, Lord, and Shepherd of my life.

A few years ago, God made a way for my son and I to meet again and thus began the healing of our relationship. Thankfully, God has protected him from being involved in drugs the way I was before. I also asked forgiveness from his mother who has since remarried and moved on.

In His perfect way God can use things in our past for the advancement of His Kingdom. I began serving God as a volunteer at NxtGen children’s ministry until I was invited to help at the Penuel Home, CCF’s Christ-centered Recovery Program. Today I am a senior facilitator of Penuel Home, where God continues to use my life to encourage men with addictions on their journey to healing and restoration and to remind them that no matter how powerless we are over the mess we made of our lives, God’s grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in weakness.

I am so grateful to God for keeping me so close to His heart and delivering me from the bondage of drugs, the stronghold of pride and false beliefs that kept me in darkness for half of my life. I thank God for my CCF family who lovingly cared for me as a new brother in Christ. I thank God for molding my heart and giving me the Precious Hope in Jesus Christ.
My name is Bonn Guia. My life is in the Potter’s Hand…