I have been attending CCF since May 2006. I am the eldest of five children; I have three sisters and one brother.
Before I started attending Bible studies and church services here in CCF, I felt empty. I always felt that, despite the many disappointments in my life, I could always overcome them by my own efforts. I always believed that I am my own best friend. To help you understand this, let me tell you bits and pieces of my long history.
As a young couple then, my parents both worked for our daily living. My dad had just started as subcontractor and engineer for a construction company, and my mother was a bank teller. They were almost never home.
The only companions I knew were our helpers. When I was around five years old, they would bring me outside while they chatted with the neighbors’ helpers. They got to befriend the mailman who consistently came by our street. I had considered this mailman my friend. But there was one event that changed everything.
While hanging out, our helper forgot to prepare the rice for dinner, so she left me to be watched by the mailman. While she was inside the house, hustling to do her chores, I was molested. Because I was so young the time, I didn’t know what it meant and certainly didn’t know how grave the situation was. When I got a little older, I realized what had happened and decided not to tell anyone, not even my parents.
As a child, I always felt that it was just too much to bear. My father is a good man but at times emotionally distant, and my doting mother is a bit too overbearing. (They are not really spiritually empowered in their faith.) I have always felt a constant need for attention. There were always times I wanted to be needed and loved.
I remember that if I accidentally broke a plate, my mom and dad would get so mad, they would lock me inside my bedroom the whole day and wouldn’t give me lunch. Another time, our helper hit me with a dustpan because she got irritated with me, and this resulted in a bruise on my arm. When I told my parents about it, they scolded me in front of the helpers instead of confronting the girl about what she had done.
Incidents like these were part of a cycle for many years. It had been difficult for me to take. I decided not to say anything more. I decided not to care.
When I went to college, in my toughest year yet, I was in the limelight as the target of all these rumors and gossip — lies. I’ve been betrayed by the people whom I thought were my friends and became the butt of every joke. The worst rumors and lies you can possibly think of were told about me. It damaged me; I was at rock bottom.
My experiences with relationships were bad, too. There was something in me – HOPE – with which I tried to open my heart many times. But things just exploded in my face.
I decided that I would never give in to my disappointments. I would be strong.
But I realized that I wasn’t. I never felt emptier, that my heart had nothing left to be filled with. EMPTINESS already consumed my heart. The load was only getting heavier, and I was getting bitterer. I blamed others, and above all, I blamed myself. No one could ever love and accept me.
I learned from a very good friend of mine, a Christian, about experiencing God’s love and forgiveness. He gave me a new meaning of HOPE – finally.
What a blessing it was when a friend of mine invited me to join a D-Group. I learned a lot about myself, about surrendering my hurts, and about trusting God.
Even when all things have failed, when all relationships have not survived, and when all human efforts have thawed out, GOD IS THERE, and HE LOVES ME.
God purchased us at a high price. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, so that everyone who believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
As I grew, I realized that my past was not a burden for me any more than it was God’s. How He must have felt when I closed my heart for any opportune experience! I cried and decided to fast for all my hurts, and I prayed for revelation. My revelation came to me as swiftly – I should forgive myself.
I surrendered my wounds to God and asked Him for healing and repentance. I allowed God to overflow in my heart and prayed for a life of true forgiveness. As God had been my ultimate lover from the very beginning, I allowed Him to renew my life and strengthen my heart.
My hope and trust is in God. He will love me till the end of time. It might seem impossible, but all I know is described in Deuteronomy 31:16 – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Nothing can compare to my heavenly Father’s love for me.
Would you like to know God, too?
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