My name is Rhea Balagso, a follower of Christ. I am an only child, who grew up without a father. I was raised practically by my grandmother, because my mom was so busy with a life of her own. I grew up in a dysfunctional family.
At 16, I remember waking up one Saturday morning puzzled and confused, only to find out that my mother was actually getting married to her boyfriend I never thought she had. Because no one spoke to me about it I felt very hurt, ignored and rejected as if my feelings really didn’t matter. From then on I started to keep my distance and felt uneasy whenever I was with my mother.
It was in high school that I was first exposed to homosexual relationships. I thought it was okay since many of my schoolmates were involved in it, but I did not engage in it then. During my college years, I got involved with 2 serious relationships with boys. It was after college when I began to feel a deep longing for attention and a different kind of love. This started my involvement with my first serious homosexual relationship. I loved the attention and the affection I was getting from my partner; yet, I was deeply bothered inside. I knew that I could not be a Christian and a homosexual at the same time. I struggled because I knew that God was real but I couldn’t deny the fact that I was living in sin and believed that my homosexuality could not be changed. Therefore, this forced me to make a choice between being a homosexual and being a Christian. I ignored God’s teachings and slowly turned away from Him. Eventually, I decided to leave our church and the ministry embracing the homosexual lifestyle, deluding myself that God will love me anyway.
At first, I was happily content with my partner. We did almost all things together: work and business at the same time. However, along the way, I started to feel trapped and became conscious of so many complications about my relationship with her. I started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. In spite of those feelings, the relationship went on for 8 years for convenience’s sake.
One unexpected day, I accidentally met my high school female crush. We started to communicate and saw each other almost daily. I even took her to Sunday worships. Again, I found myself practicing the beginnings of another homosexual relationship. It felt so right and I believed I was in love again. I broke up with my partner so that I can be with her. For the second time, I depended on another girl to fill my need for love and affirmation.
In August 2009, just right after attending the CCF anniversary worship, my new partner told me that she could no longer continue the relationship because she felt convicted during the pastor’s invitation of acceptance of Jesus Christ. In my mind, I knew that I should be happy for this person because she was beginning to know God, but there was an extreme pain inside my heart. I then knew that the Lord was speaking to me as He broke my wilful spirit. He wanted me to recognize my sins and turn away from them. I realized that there was no way we could continue anymore because we both felt confused and restless with the relationship. So then, I let her go, but it was extremely painful for I soon found out that I was deceived by her because she was actually trying to go back and reunite with her previous girlfriend. I felt so much anger inside because of the deceit and betrayal. The alarms were sounding in my head, convicting me that I only had myself to blame for my misery. It was actually God’s voice calling from the beginning and yet, I chose to ignore Him and flung myself into another immoral relationship. I was a mess because of my deliberate disobedience.
I found myself praying to God for help. This was the time He fully opened my eyes to my faults. I tried to seek help from my previous partner and best friend for comfort but she turned her back on me because of my betrayal. I was left broken, all alone with no one to turn to. And in so much pain, despair and helplessness I called out to God and begged for mercy.
At that time, a friend informed me of a ministry in CCF which helps homosexuals like me. Right away I called CCF and was referred to the Living Free Ministry. Right there and then God gave me the answer to my first question – “What should I do, Lord? Please help me.” In my heart, I then heard Him say, “Reach out.” The following day, without hesitation, I met with one of the LFM volunteer women counsellors and we spoke for 2 hours. I still remember the first question I asked her, “Is it really hard?” With boldness and courage she answered, “Yes, it is, but it is possible with God.” Gasping for breath, I knew I would have to endure the consequences of my sins. I was advised to attend the Living Free Ministry on Mondays and was encouraged to join their support group. To attend the weekly sessions was something I couldn’t decide on right away. To help me in making that decision, I sought counsel from someone. With what I have learned in that session, God gave me the humility and the spirit of obedience to finally join LFM where I started to receive healing. All the arguments and justifications I had about my homosexual lifestyle ended. There were no excuses for me anymore to keep sinning once I was confronted with God’s call.
In Living Free Ministry I met people with deeper wounds than I had. Seeing them so full of life, at peace and with joy in their hearts made me realize, “If these people could make it through by the power and loving grace of GOD, I’m sure with and because of Jesus, I can, too.” Finding people who love God, striving and seeking for a closer relationship with the Lord encouraged me to walk with Jesus. I began to know God deeper, more than ever before. My desire for sinful behaviour has taken a nosedive. The excruciating pain I thought would never end started to subside. The anger that drove me into a life of wretchedness and forlorn began to fade. Finally, after a long deep sleep in sin, I was back on my feet praising Him for His amazing work in me. It was the love and fear of the Lord that healed my pain.
Each day now is a new day filled with joy in my heart. It is something I do not want to hide. As stated in 1 John 1:3, “We are telling you about what we ourselves have actually seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son, Jesus Christ.” Every day, I am learning to trust God and to obey my Heavenly Father’s will. In my heart I know that He is a loving Father who wants to protect His children from hurting themselves from sin and being eternally lost. He is the Father who gave up His Son to save me from sin to give me eternal life and joy.
At this point in my life, I stand in confidence that He is at work and will perfect all things about me as I fully surrender and let go of any remnants of my past sinful life. It is clear to me now that the life of homosexuality offered me an escape from my unmet need for love and affirmation. I had wanted a shortcut to happiness and homosexuality became the easy route. God showed me that the only way that leads to a life of holiness and real lasting joy to Him is through my Savior Jesus Christ.
Everything our eyes can see is temporary. Let us turn instead heavenward and love God and worship Him. To Him be all praises and glory!
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