PAdo-07
PARENTING ADOLESCENTS
Session 7
HOW DO YOU HANDLE CONFLICT?
Almost nobody enjoys conflict. But because it is painful does not mean conflict is always bad. In this lesson, we will get a chance to look at the good side of conflict and how to handle it in healthy, productive ways.
Recall a time when you were a teen-ager and had conflicts with your parents. How did your parents deal with conflict? How did you respond? How do you respond when conflict arises with your teens? Do you. .
How would you complete this sentence? Conflict is . . .
(Conflict is bad because or conflict is pointless because . .) write your answer in a piece of paper.
Example: People who experienced a lot of conflict with their parents, and were hurt by it may respond by avoiding conflict with their own kids. Others may imitate their parents by having homes full of conflict.
WHAT CAUSES CONFLICT?
James 4:1-3 – James says "unmet desires" that battle within a person’s heart are
the place where trouble in relationships begin. In chapter 1, we
saw that parents and kids alike have desires in their hearts of
unfailing love.
HOW CAN CONFLICT BE GOOD FOR US?
Conflict enables parents and kids to start talking on an emotional level. It gets teens to talk about feelings they ordinarily might be afraid to expose. So conflict lets parents in on important things their kids are feeling. We get a glimpse into the souls of our teens.
Conflict also gives an opportunity to deal with wounds and offenses that have been passed over, so that people can keep short accounts with each other. Conflict prevents hidden bitterness from destroying relationships. Conflict can bring to surface parents and teens’ deep-seated needs and help develop richer Christ-centered relationships.
Big idea
HANDLE WITH DARE!
Let us look at Nehemiah’s example. What did he do? How did he handle the innumerable problems and difficulties brought to him?
Background: The time is after the 70-year captivity of the Jews in Babylon. Exiles have now returned to Jerusalem and Nehemiah now leads the expedition to rebuild the Wall.
Neh 5:1-5 – Symptoms of defiance, withdrawal
Neh 5:6 – Our usual knee-jerk reaction – anger
Neh 5:6 – We need to encourage feedback/allow expression with suppression
We encourage vulnerability in the midst of conflict by "non-defensive listening" to what others have to say. We need to guard against the goal of silencing instead of understanding our teen.
STOP AND REFLECT – either in the midst of conflict or shortly after the first episode, stop and think about what your goal is. What am I pursuing in this confrontation?
Illustration of Chad: This was a boy who showed signs of severe depression. He was able to talk to his counselor yet would not allow his counselor to talk to his parents. The counselor discovered that Chad had great fear in revealing things to his parents. At home there was an unwritten rule "never get Mom upset." The only time he experienced angry words or looks from his dad were when he broke that rule. Somehow he got the message that people were fragile and that conflict, hurt or angry feelings would permanently hurt or destroy them. As a result, Chad had learned to hold everything in. Now as an adolescent, everything and everybody in life seemed to be hurting him and making him angry and he felt helpless to do anything about them. To say anything would mean to break the rule and hurt others, something that was never permissible according to what he had learned from his parents. His only recourse – keep it all in and give up on anything ever being different. The decision made him sick.
The parents claimed they wanted to hear what was troubling their son, but not if hearing made them feel uncomfortable and ashamed. Double messages. They are told they can tell their parents anything, on the other hand, they exprience something akin to persecution if they say anything that sounds the least bit critical. Such double messages might succeed in keeping conflict to a minimum but it prevents relationships from maturing and deepening,
Neh 5:7 – "consulted with myself" means he "pondered"
Allowing impact means we enter our teen’s pain. We must not only listen to what troubles our children, but also feel it with them and to understand what role parents might have had in causing it. We need to guard against the goal of silencing instead of understanding our teen.
Illustration: A father was told by his teenage daughter for the first time that she was molested by a neighborhood boy a year earlier. In many ways, the daughter wanted her father to feel her pain and humiliation with her. She even wanted him to take some blame for failing to protect her from such things as a little girl. Instead, his response went like, this, "Well, these things happen, you know. I suppose you know we’re going to have to tell your mother. Don’t worry about her. I know we can tell her so she won’t get too upset. You know she might be mad you didn’t tell her before." When the daughter was asked how she felt after she told her dad, she said, "Worse than before." Why," she was asked? She said, "Because he acted like it was no big deal. Like it wasn’t even important that the guy made me hurt so bad and feel so dirty." She said that when she told her youth leader at church, he cried with her and hugged her. What a sad contrast to her dad’s response!
As parents, we need to enter our teen’s pain. Beneath conflict, there is always pain, embarrassment, fear and rejection. Entering someone’s pain builds your relationship with him and makes him much more likely to accept whatever decision you come up with together.
A teen who feels understood, who knows that his parent is willing to suffer pain on his behalf is much more likely to trust his parent.
Neh 5:7-12 – As Nehemiah felt their pain, he initiated action.
As soon as conflicts erupt and people have an opportunity to air their complaints and hurt feelings, their eyes turn to the leader to see what kind of action he will take. When he initiates no action, or attempts only to relieve himself of immediate discomfort caused by the conflict, he discourages people.
Neh 5:14-18 – According to their needs – conflict situations are like flashes of
lightning in a moonless stormy night - it shows us clearly
where our teen is heading and allows us to redirect their paths.
Conflicts are like highway road bumps to a dozing driver headed towards the danger of the cliff.
HOW DO I DIRECT MY CHILD’S PATH TO CHIRST?
As a parent, I need to realize my need to go to God myself and draw from His love and infinite power in order to be able to minister to my adolescent.
Neh 5:9 – Nehemiah looked to God for the strength he needed. He needed the
"fuel" (grace, strength, wisdom, patience, and perseverance).
to minister to his teen the way God wanted him to.
Matt 26:36,45 – Christ was also left in the lurch by his closest friends
He looked to God for the grace to endure loneliness and pain.
1 Pet 1:3-6 – Ultimate fallback position
APPLICATION