• Thinking on their own
• Making decisions on their own
• Developing opinions of their own

Invite the group to cite their own observations on how their adolescents have changed.

Like petals on a blooming rose, not all are perfect; some are diseased and worm infested.

How do we respond to these changes? Do we flee or do we hang in there?

We need to realize that . . .parents are the single biggest factor to the development of their adolescent’s personality because:

• Teens look to their parents for affirmation;
• Teens need censorship/filtering of external influences;
• Impact of interaction; and

How do we forfeit influence or become ineffective parents?

When a parent becomes dependent on self, i.e. his abilities and efforts, what naturally happens?

Gal 5:19-21 – Notice the fruit of self-dependence – idolatry, sorcery, enmities,

strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger.

When we rely on our own strengths in bringing up our teens, the result will be painful and frustrating.

Rom 6:7-8 – How does God look at trying to parent on our own strength?

It is hostility towards God.

How then does a teen respond? Escape! His Goal? Break rules so

his parents give up and leave him alone!

As a brilliant surgeon, he learned the value of consulting with other specialists when he came up against a case that defied routine procedures. Mitch ran out of ideas about how to get his three teenage children to respond to him positively.

Mitch was educated, bright, well read, an avid attendee of many family seminars. Outwardly, a committed Christian who saw the need for a healthy family life. Mitch was a walking handbook of principles and formulas for raising children. But also – very privately, he was frustrated, afraid and unfulfilled, because in his estimation, none of it was working. Though his colleagues and patients held him in high esteem, he came home each day to face only disdain and disrespect from his children. He had tried everything to change them and the circumstances that caused them to be like they were, but to no avail. He was close, in his own words, to "admitting defeat and letting the patient die".

Mitch had discovered what every parent, who tries to change his kids on his "own flesh or parenting abilities, finds out. No amount of effort or skill at parenting can, in and of itself, turn our kids around. As long as the purposes in a parent’s hearts remain flesh-dependent (I will find a way to make my life work without totally depending on the Spirit of God) his impact on his kids will only strengthen their foolishness.

After several months of work on his own life, Mitch came to a startling revelation about himself, "You know, he said, "I’m starting to understand at least part of the reason why God gave me the teen-agers He did. They’re tough kids, but God knows I needed tough kids to bring me to the end of myself. Before they became adolescents, I thought I had made it. In regular surgeon-style, I had everything sewn up, so much so that I didn’t need God in a practical way. When my kids started to bleed, in a manner of speaking, I went to work to sew them up, too. But nothing I did worked after they reached 13. It was the first time in my life that my mind and my skills were not enough. I still have no idea how my kids will turn out, but I’ve begun to trust the Lord for the strength and wisdom to parent them in a whole new way. Something had to completely shift inside of me before I could start to love them just the way they are. I think they sense something has changed in me. And I really think that’s more impact on them than anything I could have ever said or done."

• Who was Mitch depending on to change his kids? Himself!
• What was the result? Frustration, defeat.
• In what area did God radically change Mitch?
• God revealed his inadequacies in spite of his knowledge and abilities. God made him realize that he needed to depend on Him (God) to change himself and thus positively influence his children.
• What was the result? He had more impact. His influence increased!

What do you think is the most effective way you can influence your child’s behavior?

Gala 5:22-25 – Greater awareness of our own inadequacies.

Rather than devoting energies to changing kids conduct.

We need to concentrate on changing our own character.

How a parent wins influence (becomes an effective parent) requires a shift from "self-dependence" to "Spirit-dependence."

Luke 9:23-24 – As we deny self, we are better able to minister to the needs of

our teens. Their needs become the important thing, not ours.

Gal 5:13 – We stop being "consumer parents" seeking to satisfy selfish motives.

We are now, through love, able to minister to them the way

God intended.

The teen must be able to see Christ in our own disciplinary measures.

Being Spirit-dependent increases our influence on our adolescent. This is critical because it is during this time when they decide what kind of adult they will be.

Illustration: Shirley was a single mother who experienced these very changes in her relationship with her 17-year-old daughter. She was dutiful mother whose husband had left her for another woman. She figured all she had left was her one unmarried daughter, Janet. However, out of anger and disgust at Shirley’s being unable to preserve her marriage, Janet started imitating her Dad’s abusive ways towards her. Shirley permitted the abuse because she was afraid Janet would leave her. Dutifully, she waited on her daughter hand and foot, while also withholding any intimate expressions of affection in order to protect herself from the impact of Janet’s cutting remarks. Meanwhile, Shirley was slowly simply losing any positive influence on her daughter. In many ways, Janet was turning into the same kind of foolish person her Dad was.

Shirley needed to shift her source of dependency and the direction of her goals. She started to express the kind of emotional warmth and affection she had never been able to express to anyone before (unconditional involvement). Second, she began to resist her daughter’s abusive remarks by terminating conversation until her tone and attitude changed (uncompromising responsiveness). She even found the strength to withdraw some privileges from Janet (without withdrawing her involvement) until her daughter showed her more respect.

At first Janet did not like the changes she saw in her mother. There was a time Shirley refused to rub Janet’s feet or draw her bath water for her. When Janet saw that her anger could no longer intimidate her mother, she began to respect her. Losing the use of the car because of one remark didn’t seem fair to her, but in time Janet came to respect her mom for making that decision. The real test for Shirley came when Janet announced her plans to go to Florida for the spring break with some older teens. Shirley said no. Janet packed up her bags and moved in with her dad. Although it was extremely difficult for Shirley, she stood her ground and faced the possibility that terrified her: total abandonment.

For the first time Shirley deliberately put herself in a situation which she had only Christ to sustain her and give her the sense of love she desired as a woman. Because she chose to shift her dependence on Christ, He provided her with the strength and the joy to live even if everyone else abandoned her. She found His help and presence real during this difficult time.

In a matter of weeks, Janet asked for Shirley’s forgiveness and the privilege of moving back home. Although Janet’s father permitted her to do anything she wanted to, it was her mother’s presence that she really longed for most: because with her, she experienced unconditional involvement and uncompromising responsiveness.

1. Spirit-dependence – She became Christ centered and relied on Him for her deepest needs. Instead of looking to her daughter, she shifted her desire for unconditional love to Jesus Christ.
2. Self-denial – This means denying the right to have people meet your desires. Shirley became unconditionally involved with her daughter (started showing her affection) yet looked to Christ to fulfill her deepest needs.
3. Self-sacrifice – This means risking hurt in order to serve someone’s highest good. Shirley exerted uncompromising responsiveness – she commanded respect, stood her ground in spite of her fear of abandonment.

God’s bonus? She got her daughter back!

• What good things have you seen in your adolescent as he or she blossoms into adulthood? Bad things? How have you reacted to both? Affirmation? Sanctions?
• How can you increase your influence shifting form self-dependence to Spirit-dependence?