Finish each of these sentences . .

• One way in which my teen and I are alike is . . .
• One way in which we are different is . . .

Prov 20:5 – What do you think we will find beneath the behavior of parents and

teen-agers?

The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters (NIV)

We have the capacity to think, desire, feel and choose.

Prov 19:22 – What is the core motivation behind the plans of people?

Many are the plans in a man’s heart (NIV)

The need and deep desire for unconditional acceptance.

There are 3 things going on inside both parents and adolescents.

1. The desire for relationships that won’t fail them

Prov 19:22 – NIV version – What does a person desire in his heart?

He desires unfailing love!

- What are some of our desires and expectations as parents?

To be loved in return / to be respected and admired/ to be

listened to and obeyed / that our children would turn out to be

godly and committed believers / for them to be successful,

others?

 

2. Plans or strategies to get that kind of love

Prov 19:21 – What does God’s Word say about what men do to get that kind

of love?

They think of "plans" and "strategies" to meet those desires.

- What are some of the strategies we use on our family,

especially our children, to get those desires fulfilled?

Intimidation / Anger / Guilt trip / Withdrawal / Compromise /

Hysteria / Tighter controls / Spoiling or Doting / Conceding for

the sake of peace / Denial / Giving up / others

Jer 2:8 – These strategies, though they may work for a while, bring

disappointment because they "do not profit"

Jeremiah says, "Walk after things that do not profit"

3. Pain when those plans fail

- How do we parents cope with the pain that comes

Matt 11:28 – Can you identify with the pain experienced when we are unable to

get the right response from our children?

What is the invitation to those who are disappointed, frustrated and

weary? When we are unhappy with our children, ourself, or just

at how things are not turning out, who do we turn to? Turn to Christ!

Matt 11:29 – Why Christ? He has promised to give us rest,

Rest – not cessation of activity. Rest is harmony between God and

us. It is appropriating the peace that comes from realizing God is

in control. I do my best and I leave to God what I cannot control. It is

harmony between the way I live and the way God wants me to live.

Resting is entrusting my children to Christ.

Jer 31:25 – Parenting is an awesome task and sometimes downright intimidating.

We need to be strengthened. That is why we need to

turn to Christ. It is critical to realize that only the Lord Jesus can meet

our innermost desires and longings.

As Christ meets our deepest longings, we are now able to minister to our teens using the Ephesians 4:29 principle:

• When we speak to our teens, what we say must build up, improve, elevate and uplift him

Illustration: A mother’s plan for living required her to maintain a sense of "moral superiority" in every relationship. In one way or another, she needed to make herself appear in every context (family, church, and ladies’ Bible study, PTA) as more concerned and obedient to the standards of God than anyone else. However, to make this strategy work as a Christian mother, it required her to be able to display "ideal Christian children". This resulted in a home environment wherein the kids felt "a lot of pressure to make their mom look good" to others. The adolescent daughter had learned at an early age that parental approval depended upon "performance". However, the older she got and the more that was expected of her, the less able she was to perform well enough to earn her mother’s approval. Although her childhood plan for getting approval and love required her to do whatever it took to meet her mother’s expectations, she changed it during adolescence, when it no longer seemed to work.

Her new plan demanded that she get away from people with high expectations and find approval from those who accepted her without the pressure. This strategy, resulted in behaviors that threatened to sabotage her mother’s strategy (e,.g. dropping out of church, picking non-church kids as friends, avoiding time around the house). The mother responded by stepping up restrictions and expectations. The daughter viewed her mother’s response as an attempt to rob her of the little acceptance she had been able to get from friends. She responded by running away, which seemed at that time as the only way she could make her new plan work.

 Let’s analyze:

1. What were the needs of the daughter? Unconditional acceptance and love, approval.
2. How did she get it when she was young? Through performance.
3. How did the daughter come to that conclusion? Mother probably only noticed her when she did well in school.
4. What could the mother do to help her daughter now? She could communicate unconditional acceptance through her involvement in her daughter’s world regardless of the outcome. She needed to communicate with the child where the child would eventually open up and articulate her needs.
5. What was wrong with the mother’s responses to her child?

Prov 14:8 - What does a wise parent attempt to do?

He exerts efforts to "understand" the motive of why he does why

does what he does.

Do I expect my children to behave in a way that fulfills my own

needs? Are my motives selfish?

Prov 16:2 – We are exhorted to be careful and turn away from evil motives.

Jer 18:12 – What does "satisfying self" or "following our own plans" produce?

Gal 5:17 – Notice "doing things that please yourself" is against what God desires.

Many times we think our motives as parents are good because we are sacrificial and loving. But as Proverbs 14:8 tells us that if we are really honest with ourselves, they may not always be. We may need to better understand the reasons why we sometimes do the things we do.

• Divide into 3-4 groups each. Take turns telling God just one sentence at a time. Thank him for his unfailing love for you and because of his power at work within you, are coming to understand yourself better.
• Tell God how you feel about being a parent right now.
• Since God is the only one who can show you your heart as it really is, ask Him to expose to you any sinful or selfish motives you may have had in dealing with your children.
• Ask God to give you the grace to unselfishly minister to your children.