Good morning. I am Gershom, the youngest of five boys. My mother was very loving, and I spent most of my growing up years as her close companion. I considered my father indifferent and frequently absent due to work, so my mom became my role model.
My four older brothers never allowed me to be part of their games. Without realizing it, this lack of fatherly/brotherly love and attention made me seek love elsewhere. I began to be confused about my own gender. I knew I was a boy, but I felt like I wanted to be a girl, and so I acted like one.
My High School classmates would often tease me, making me feel totally embarrassed. I had constant fights with my brothers who could not stand my gay lifestyle. I developed a sense of not belonging and it was causing me so much pain inside. With all the confusion, uncertainty and unanswered questions, I tried to escape my situation by drowning my sorrows with liquor, sex, wrong relationships and other vices.
When I became a consultant in a fashion store in Makati, I became very close to my boss, who eventually invited me to join a Bible study in their house. I felt it was something new, and everybody was into it, so I decided to join.
Just like the rest of the people in attendance, I accepted Christ as my Savior and thought that I had become a Christian. Through the succeeding years, I attended worship services at CCF, weekly Bible studies, and yearly retreats. But there was still no real life change. I knew it in my head but was not applying it to my life.
I entered into a very intense relationship with a person of the same sex. I thought this was something that would satisfy my need for intimacy as well as the thrill of taking on a challenge. I eventually ended the relationship, not because it was wrong, but because I had gone broke and into debt, supporting my lover and my heavy drinking habit.
I would go to work the following day with a major hangover and couldn’t perform well at my job. I became a bad influence on the Bible study group and even caused some of the members to stumble. I was involved in ministry, but it was just to be with my friends.
I eventually stopped attending because I felt insulted and embarrassed at the same time. I was getting depressed, because my life was going down the drain. I was running out of options.
The turning point came when I had drunk alcohol until seven in the morning. I didn’t report to work that day and didn’t know what to do anymore. I realized how much in debt I was and I couldn’t turn to anyone else. I was about to lose my job, and worst of all, I thought I was going to lose the love and friendship of my boss. I felt deeply hurt and lost, asking God why I was gay, alcoholic and unloved.
But I felt that God was not giving up on me. I read in Hebrews 13: 5-6, “I will never desert you nor will I ever forsake you… The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.” At this point, God made Himself so real to me, and I knew right then that He loved me and was ready to give me another chance.
I went to counseling with one of the pastors in CCF, and learned again about submission to authority and obedience. More importantly, I committed to my quiet time with the Lord – praying and reading my Bible – and applying what I learned in my life.
This time, it was no longer just in my mind but had truly entered my heart, as well. Most importantly, I truly and sincerely asked God to forgive me, repented of all my sins, and asked Him to take over my life. I recommitted myself to God. I now understand that He is not only my Savior, but also my Lord.
I have truly surrendered my life to God and have prayed for the Holy Spirit to take control of my life. Because of this, it has been possible for me to surrender my alcoholism, my homosexuality and indeed my whole life to God. I depend on Him day by day, moment by moment. I acknowledge that I am still a work in process as I still get tempted by the worldly pleasures.
God is good and faithful! I have been sober for two years now, by the grace of God, and am joyfully intoxicated with God’s Spirit. I have been sexually pure for two years and three months and now filled only by God’s love. I thought I could never put an end to my favorite sins, but I have truly been victorious by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Galatians 2:20 has given me the right perspective about my life: “I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me, the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me.”
Knowing that I no longer live for myself but for God has given me so much to live for. To God be the glory!
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