I am Shella, 39, married, and a mother to three wonderful children.

I first came to know the Lord in 1999, when my husband and I were having problems with our relationship. Having been married for just three years already seemed a lifetime. I was not enjoying being a wife to him. I was not happy.

My family background was not happy, either. My father was irresponsible; he spent his money and energy on women and also much of his time with his peers. My mother, who’s supposed to take care of us in my father’s absence, used most of her time playing a detective, finding his whereabouts and going after his conquests. My siblings and I watched and waited for their attention and never got it. They were too busy with their own lives, and for them we were just spectators, not a part of a so-called family.

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I am Marites, a single parent of six children.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I was sexually molested at the early age of 4, on top of being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. As a result, I became jealous of good relationships. I was envious, covetous, insecure, self-centered, confused, selfish, gossipy, angry, and very bitter. I always thought that the world was so unfair and that I was always the victim.

My mom was a full-time nagger, my dad a 24/7 gambler and part-time womanizer. My mom was always in fight mode, so my dad was always in flight mode. As early as six years old, I was often left to take care of my two siblings. My mom had high expectations of me because I was the eldest, and I had to know how to perform all the household chores aside from caring for the other children. I never had a childhood myself, acting as the mother to my siblings and taking on all that responsibility. I had to think of my siblings’ needs before my own.

I was ten years old when our business went bankrupt. My mom suffered from depression, and my dad left us for another woman. I was forced to work in order to feed my siblings and face all my mom’s creditors. These creditors were enraged, cursing me for the bounced checks that my mom issued; I received many threats on her behalf.I

In school, my parents were always absent from parents’ meetings. I felt neglected and unloved. I tried to excel in academics, but my insecurities prevented me from having good relationships. I seldom smiled, tried to get attention through angry behavior, and wanted everyone to be miserable like me.

Even though I was studying, I was still forced to wake up before 4:00am to go out and work, or else a heated flat iron on my lap would wake me up on my lap, or lashes from a rubber rope would give me stripes all over my skin.

I rebelled by getting pregnant at 17 to escape from the responsibilities passed on to me and to avoid my molestors and my angry, abusive mom. I was forced to get married out of a superstition that staying unmarried would bring bad luck to the family, but I thought marriage would be my escape. I didn’t know it would be worse than I ever thought. I became a battered wife, beaten black and blue everyday by an irresponsible and alcoholic husband. I had nowhere else to go, so I stayed and tried to be strong. My family advised me to avoid having a broken home.

But after five years, I couldn’t take any more. I was hospitalized with almost broken spine and skull, hematoma (bruises) all over my body, and an X mark on my face. I almost lost all my fingers in self-defense, grabbing the knife that my husband had used to destroy my face.

I hid myself from him and lived in fear of being killed. Many guys offered me a good and comfortable life; I became dependent on relationships and jumped from one to another. Then, I gave in to a married man and became his mistress. He was a surgeon and so very able to provide. He was very gentle and took care of me. I thought we really loved each other; he considered me and the four children we had together his 2nd family. I thought everything was okay.

Although I knew it was immoral to become a mistress, I felt my actions were justified because my family was getting financial help. I believed that if I didn’t ask for counsel from anyone — who cared? Everyone makes mistakes.

I never prayed; I knew God as judgmental and perfectionist. He would just punish me for my sin and condemn me to hell. Why should I pray if it will just go to the trash? It was a waste of time and effort for me. I expected to just pray on my deathbed and confess to a priest with my last breath.

I used material things to pretend I was happy, but deep in myself, I was screaming for help. I tried everything to overcome my emptiness: going to casinos and bars, shopping, and engaging in sex and pornography. I also went to a psychiatrist because I suffered from depression.

But God loves me so much; he heard my silent cry. I heard the gospel in a moment of boredom and found myself thirsting for more. I attended Christian worship services and then accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour.

The problems did not end right there and then, though. I felt convicted and suddenly had the fear of death. It gave me sleepless nights. I became dependent on sleeping pills to buy just three hours of sleep.

And, I couldn’t give up my comfortable life. My greatest fear was to become poor again. I could afford to live simply, but I couldn’t compromise my four kids’ future. My two older children from my previous relationship came back to me, bringing the total to six kids.

One night, I had an anxiety attack. I couldn’t breathe. I knew I was dying. With my last breath, I cried out to God and begged for another chance to live. In return, I would straighten up my life.

God is good and listened to my prayer. I was so afraid and confused; I didn’t know how to start fulfilling my promise. God then talked to me by showing two roads in a dream. I had to choose. The first road was very pleasing to the eyes and filled with flowers. The second road was so dark. But there, Jesus would walk with me and uphold me each time I fell.

I talked to the surgeon and tried to end the relationship. I asked him to support the kids and set me free, but he refused because, he said, we were his second family. On God’s prompting, I called his wife, and he became extremely angry with me. He believed I had replaced him with another man and threatened to take our 4 kids from me. I was jobless then (2004) and had a four-month-old baby and children aged three, five, six, 12, and 14. I was financially incapable of raising them all. I cried and asked God to help me have the custody of my children; I would lose my mind if they would be taken from me.

I was already attending CCF then, and God spoke to me through Jeremiah 33:3 — “Call unto Me and I will answer and I will show you great and mighty things you do not know.”

One day, the surgeon and his wife visited the four younger kids and brought some stuff that they needed. I thought everything would go smoothly. On the contrary, it resulted in a heated argument and then violence. I was brutally battered in front of my five-year-old son. I was slapped, had my head hit against the wall, and almost choked me to death. The wife boxed, kicked, and poked my head. Thank God I was able to cry for help.

The couple escaped and filed a case against me to protect their reputation. They claimed I beat them both. I never thought of filing a case against them and just reported the incident to the police. God led me all throughout the process, from the police to the hospital, securing all the evidence I needed if anything happened.

It is not easy to follow Jesus. I asked God, “Why did You allow them to hurt me, when all I want is to follow your command to stop being a mistress?” I really couldn’t understand.

My five-year-old son blamed himself for being so small and unable to help me during the attack. My kids suddenly stopped talking and were all traumatized by the fear of losing their dad and the comfortable life they were used to.

At CCF, I learned to pray and read the bible. I drew my strength from the Scripture each time I felt low. I learned to sing praises all the time, even when we had nothing to eat. God said that life is more important than the food we eat and clothes we wear. I finished reading the entire bible in less than 6 months. I discovered the mighty works of God and that He is so forgiving, merciful, loving, and faithful to His promises. I applied the Word to my life.

Then, I tested God’s pomise in Malachi 3:10-12. He promised to return all my tithes and offerings pressed down, shaken together, and running over, and he would open the windows of heaven and bless my health, work, and home. People would call me blessed.

I gave my tithes from everything I received. I heard from Pastor Joby Soriano the story of a farmer crying while planting his very last seeds, trusting God for the outcome. I had my last ₱1000 with me at the time and put it in the tithe box. That meant my kids would have nothing to eat. But I planted it as a seed. I said to myself, “If I keep the ₱1000 in my wallet, it is not enough, even for a week. But I will plant this and trust God to provide for our needs.”

God’s promise is true. He opens the windows of heaven. If I prayed for milk for my baby, three months’ supply of milk for my six kids will arrive, specially delivered by a stranger. I even had some to share with the needy. I was jobless for two years, and God provided for me and for my kids. I never begged nor asked from anyone else. I just applied Philippians 4:6-7; I told God all my needs through prayer and thanked Him for His answers.

There was a time when four of the kids got sick almost every week. I begged for a bottle of medicine from their father, but he refused to help. I cried to God and said, “I know You can change his heart, but you hardened it. Although it’s so painful, I will still thank and praise You because I love You.” Then, my 4 kids were miraculuously healed! I realized that God was teaching me a very powerful prayer: 1 Thessalonians 5:18 — “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

God burdened me to give love to street children through the Backstreet Kids ministry. I believe teaching them about God’s love and loving them will help prevent them from becoming criminals someday. God also taught me to be compassionate and called me to become a caregiver for the sick. I volunteered in a hospital and shared the gospel at the same time. I also used to criticize men in uniform and call them names. God led me to participate in and volunteer for the first batch of the Philippine National Police – Purpose-Driven Life ministry. God opened my eyes and helped me to see that these men and women risked their lives for our safety in exchange for a small salary and few benefits. So now, I look at them with compassion and respect.

I was happy but not completely joyful. I still needed some healing.

Court proceedings troubled me. I shook in fear and couldn’t eat. The surgeon and his wife wanted my downfall. The court had decided in my favor before; now the couple was using their money and connections to reverse the decision. I trusted God to be my defender and lawyer. The case they filed against me was dismissed, but the cases filed by the police continued (the doctor was charged with violence against women and children. His wife was charged with physical injury). I could not afford to hire a good lawyer, so I was advised to dismiss the case in exchange for support for my kids. God told me to give up my rights, forgive them, and fully trust Him, so I obeyed.

I realized that if God had not allowed the couple to physically attack me, there would be no record of their violence, and I could have lost custody of the kids. Not only did God answer my prayer to keep my kids, but he also provided for them. The couple would be obliged to give support in exchange for the dismissal of the criminal cases.

God’s thoughts and ways are different from ours. The court order was delayed for two years because the couple had taken the documents. I kept quiet and handed it all to God. We were driven away from the house the surgeon had bought for his four kids with me. People advised me to fight for my kids’ rights and stay put in the house. But God said, “Let go and trust Me,” and I obeyed.

In 2006, I joined a D-Group, and soon, many people were praying for me and the kids. God blessed me w/ a good job. I learned many things about His faithfulness and how to be a good mother. My kids recovered from the trauma, by the grace of God, and with the help of Sunday school teachers who patiently and lovingly taught them about their loving Heavenly Father. My kids are now talking again and excelling in school. (God bless you, Sunday school teachers!)

I thought a tall and handsome guy would be the answer to my prayers, and I planned to remarry. But God said, “No,” so I obeyed. God himself provided for me and comforted me each time I longed for someone. God revealed Himself to me as the best Husband and Father of my fatherless children.

God said to me, “You cannot give what you don’t have,” and led me to join the Glorious Hope program. I knew there was something in me that needed healing and recovery. The program helped me to see my defects and strengths. All my life, I thought I was a victim. Now, I had learned to forgive and accept my past, not with bitterness, but with a thankful heart, allowing God to heal me. I prayed to God to make a way for me to be able to ask for forgiveness from the couple I had harmed by being a mistress.

But then, I was framed. The dismissed case had been reopened; the couple still wanted to reverse the court’s decision. Still, God is so good. I was able to attend the hearing and took the opportunity to humbly ask the couple for forgiveness. I was mocked, humiliated and unforgiven. But God covered me w/ His loving arms, comforted me, and kept me still; I didn’t fight back. By the grace of God, I was free from the curse of unforgiveness. I did my part; the battle was the Lord’s. Fear left me; I fully trusted God to defend me against all their plans to hurt me and my children. I simply chose to trust God and forgive.

Once again, the case was dismissed! And the couple has been compelled to give the kids financial support.

Now, I am happy and content serving God with pure joy. God’s plan and timing is perfect. I have no regrets. I thank God for those hardships. He is using me now to encourage the weak and the hurting. He is so faithful to His promises — he held me up each time I fell, just as he had promised in my dream — and His word shall stand forever.

I am still a work in progress and need a lot of prayers. My prayer is for God to use me, lead me, and guide me where to go and what to say. I pray that I can glorify God and do what he wants, that even after my death, I will never stop glorifying His name.

God is so good all the time! He revealed Himself to me as my provider, husband, Father of my fatherless, healer, defender, lawyer, peace, refuge, rock, strength, and comforter. He is my everything!

Truly, as Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose.” To God be all the glory!

Why learn about our logo? Well, the ideas behind this simple graphic will help you get a clearer idea of the program it represents.

Colors of Freedom

Red orange symbolizes the brilliance of the sun and the passion, energy, and vibrance of a people on fire for God. It is also the color of autumn, the season of maturity and harvest. Cultures both modern and ancient still consider autumn the time for festivals and celebration. Examples are Thanksgiving in the United States, the Jewish feast of Sukkoth, Native American harvest festivals, and the Chinese Moon Festival.

Autumn is also a season of transition. We can see this even in the Philippines and other parts of the world that do not have autumn. Leaves turn red and orange before they are shed. The trees then rest and prepare for new life.

Green is the color of the buds that appear afterward. It represents things that are young, new, or blooming. It is the color of spring, the season of growth. The weather grows warm and plants are revived, just like our new life in God. For us, it is the color of hope.

Unconfined

The Glorious Hope logo is the visual representation of our collective dreams and aspirations. It isn’t confined inside a basic shape. Rather, it’s free to float on its own in a projection of freedom.

This symbolizes the experience of those who are finally released from their past, finally liberated from pretense, and finally comfortable about themselves – they are finally free!

More importantly, the borderless image reflects God’s unlimited and boundless grace, available to us who have been made free. The logo helps us remember that our vision and our goals can only be attained through that grace.

Reaching Up, Reaching Out

The person with outstretched arms is who we are and how we should be. We are a group of people who have bravely stepped out of the darkness of our past. We walk together in the path of recovery, into the light of God’s love.

These arms are outstretched in release from yesterday and in complete surrender to God. The empty hands illustrate our ability to let go of the old – old hurts, old vices, etc. – and to readily receive the new, in God’s grace and blessing.

We are ordinary people – afflicted, broken, outcast, and rejected – transformed by God into useful and productive workers in his ministry of reconciliation. He comforted us in our times of trouble. Now, we are ready to honor him by reaching out to those in pain and trouble, too.

I am Susan, a servant of Jesus who is recovering from the effects of a dysfunctional family and co-dependency.

I was the fourth child in a family with seven children. My older sister seemed to have all my parents’ attention because she was the first girl after three boys. I felt rejected when I saw how all her castoff clothes and toys were handed down to me. Although it was not always that way, I lived with a perception that I was not loved, not good enough. I became insecure and lacked self-confidence. I could not make decisions without thinking about others’ approval.

I was also born when drugs became a cool thing among teenagers. Just about everyone I met then was into drugs, so I figured that it was the right thing to do for the acceptance I did not get at home. This way, the emptiness in me was temporarily filled with the feeling of belonging. I used drugs to cover up my lack of self-worth and my feeling lonely and unwanted. The feeling of approval that I found among my friends also led me to involve myself in different immoral relationships.

When I met my husband, I found just the love and acceptance I’d been seeking. The first ten years of our marriage were harmonious and joyful. We enjoyed each other’s company and treated each other like friends and partners. We were successfully employed and earned enough to meet our family’s everyday needs.

But in the middle of what seemed like successful married life, we were introduced to shabu. Because we were already familiar with drugs, it led us back into the drug world. Little did we know that this would destroy our lives, our relationship as husband and wife, and our family.

As we went deeper into drug use, I began to isolate myself. I stopped working, for fear that people around me would figure out what I was doing and what was going on in my family. I was afraid they would think I was a failure, not only as a person, but also as a wife and mother. Fearing rejection, I kept these things from everyone, including my family.

The situation got out of hand, and I was confined in a rehabilitation center. I was very angry, because I refused to believe that our lives were unmanageable and may somehow result in tragedy. I also thought that I was still in control, despite the fact that my husband had made serious threats on my life and on our property. I did not even want to admit that we were addicts.

I refused to cooperate in the center for quite a while, because I did not believe that the program would help me. But after realizing that I had no way out, I voluntarily submitted myself to the program. I had to face myself and accept that I was an addict, that I was powerless over my addiction and needed help.

It was a difficult recovery process but in the end, by God’s grace, it worked for my good. Being in rehab was a learning experience for me. I saw that with God’s help and my decision to surrender my will and life to Him, there would be healing and recovery.

In 1999, I sat in on a support group session and met Christian friends. They encouraged me to attend bible studies because it would help me in my recovery. I learned that God’s love for me could help me change for the better. But I had to make the choice.

It was then that I heard the good news about Jesus. I saw that without Him in my life, I could not make it on my own – neither in sobriety nor in my failing marriage. All of a sudden, everything became clear. The situations in my life had led me to this humbling experience. I was broken and weak. I accepted Jesus into my life. I discovered that complete healing is only in him, so I voluntarily surrendered my life to His care and control.

I still live with my husband, who is still into drugs. Many times before, I have planned to leave him. His abusive behavior and drug use have been detrimental to my sanity and sobriety, but God has time and again told me to stay. I may not understand many things, but I have learned to trust God, as I learned in Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” I fear the Lord, and my courage to stay in this relationship is anchored on Psalm 147:11: “The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy.”

I am not afraid to be rejected anymore, and I no longer seek people’s attention, because God loves me. I have realized that my substance addiction and dependence on relationships was a result of my insecurity and need to belong. Now I have the confidence to face people and tell them that I am a sinner whom God has transformed by his grace and mercy. 1 Corinthians 15:10 says, “By the grace of God, I am what I am, and his grace towards me did not prove vain….”

Truly, God is faithful! He has taken charge of transforming the lives of my family. My husband has is no longer verbally and physically abusive towards me. This really is a miracle. What seemed a hopeless situation is now so hopeful. I am convinced that in God’s perfect time and way, I will see my husband’s transformation.

I joined the Glorious Hope Recovery program because I believed in my need for a support group. I realized that I cannot recover alone and that I am not alone in my suffering. As I went through the program, I learned to accept my powerlessness over the circumstances in my life, especially in dealing with my husband’s behavior.

I took full responsibility for my wrong decisions and reactions toward my hurts, hang-ups and habits. I no longer blame others for it. I have accepted that I was manipulative, irresponsible, selfish and proud. And because of these, I have humbly asked God to remove these character defects.

By the presence of Jesus in my life, I have changed. I am not the person that I used to be, and He changes me from moment to moment. When I have done something wrong, I use these steps to help me to stand up and move on.

My strength comes from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weakness, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am Susan, a servant of Jesus, and I stand before you as a witness to God’s grace and mercy. To God be all the glory and thanksgiving.

Would you like to know God, too?
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PART 1: My Past, My Issues

I, Salve, am a follower of Jesus Christ, and I’m recovering from codependency, family dysfunction and other life issues.

I am a single parent. I separated from my husband over eight years ago and have been supporting my four children, aged 14-20, without any of his help.

I had a provincial upbringing in a typically religious family with seven children. My parents taught me the importance of praying, going to church, being good and obedient, and helping others who are less fortunate. They also taught me that the only way to go to heaven is by being good.

After I graduated from high school, I left home at 15 with a college scholarship. Because I was self-supporting and independent, I thought I had the right to do anything that I wanted – and I did! Extracurricular activities, smoking, drinking, spending the night out with my boyfriend – and getting pregnant.

To escape my parents’ wrath, I went to Ilocos with my boyfriend, with the hope that I would be accepted into his family. Without my parents’ blessings, I got married there quickly, alone, and without the traditional white gown ceremony. I wanted to cover the shame and guilt over what I did. I was 20.

After the formalities, we went back to school to finish college. Once I had graduated and given birth to our first child, I went back to Ilocos to get a job. I stayed with my in-laws while my husband was still studying in Manila.

I diligently took care of my son while teaching at a local college. I did my best to make my husband proud of me, and I succeeded. I earned my in-laws’ love, trust, and admiration. My co-teachers would praise me in front of them, and my husband would boast about me among his friends.

When my husband finally graduated, I insisted that I stay in Manila with him so that we could start our own life together. It was a year and a half later, and I was already pregnant with our second child. Since the prospect of having to support two kids was scary for both of us, we decided to leave our first child with my in-laws in the province. We both agreed to fetch him after a year, or until we would be able to support him, too.

Pretty soon, we were both busy with work and with raising a family. It took us six more years and three more children before we finally took our eldest child to live with us in Manila. As I expected, he had difficulty adjusting to the new environment. I anxiously hoped he would learn and adapt to the sudden change in lifestyle, culture, and parenting style. He was able to adjust after a few months, but he was aloof and distant toward me until he grew up.

Six years into the marriage, after my daughter was born, I saw that my marriage was a failure – BIG TIME! All our personal differences were magnified a thousand times. We would argue about everything. We constantly quarreled in front of the kids.

Despite efforts to bridge the gap, our relationship deteriorated further. For the next six years, I would focus simply on making sure I would have enough money to start a new life with my children.

I buried myself in work and eventually became the bigger earner. Being professionally driven and focused advanced my career and got me attention from officemates and friends.

To get more affirmation, I became involved with men who would give me attention, appreciate me and provide me with some feeling of security. To mask the guilt and shame, I tried to justify the affairs by telling myself that, after all the things that I had done for my family, I deserved to be happy.

One night, my husband confronted me, and I immediately told him the truth. Yes, I was having an affair. In my heart, I was hoping that my confession would force him to change and that he would fight for our relationship.  But it didn’t happen.

Instead, he took his anger toward me out on our children. He verbally and physically abused them in an attempt to get back at me. His violent tendencies increased through the years. And then, one morning, we had a major fight, which I only recently realized has left a deep scar in the hearts of my children, especially my eldest son.

After 12 years of marriage, I decided to live apart from my husband. Without any qualms or apologies, I asked my children to move out of the house and join me in my new home. I was so convinced that what I was doing was the right thing and at the right time. I waited until they were old enough to understand the situation, told them directly that I had made a decision to move out, and asked them to join me.

I expected them to accept the situation. I never asked them how they felt and what they thought about what was going on. I was focused on myself, my feelings, and my happiness.

In the middle of all these developments, I knew that God was calling me, but I was too proud and hard-hearted to listen. I honestly believed that all my sins could be covered by the good things I did and the sacrifices I made for my children and family.

Then, an old friend invited me to attend Sunday worship in CCF. I immediately accepted the invitation. I felt in my heart, this is something so familiar. It was like a homecoming. And it was, really, a homecoming for me.

I realized that I had actually been seeking God all these years to fill in the emptiness in my heart. I had just been seeking in the wrong places: in my husband’s approval, in my children’s appreciation, in my work, in relationships that offered a false sense of security, in material things, in others’ acceptance, and in my achievements.

After a few months, I wanted to help out solo parents like me and so involved myself in the Kool Solo Parent Family Ministry. There in KSP, I heard of the Glorious Hope program (then called Celebrate Recovery).

I was excited to join, not because I had life issues to resolve, but because it was an opportunity for me to serve. I was focused on how the program could fulfill my desire to be useful to God by helping others overcome their challenges.

Part 2: Recovery Through Glorious Hope

When it was time to choose an issue group to join, I couldn’t pick. I believed that I didn’t have any of these issues. I told myself that I was okay already. I had my D-Group, and I regularly attended bible studies, CCF retreats and seminars, and Sunday worship services. I was active in ministry work and was tithing regularly. I was able to give up an adulterous relationship that I kept even after more than a year at CCF.

I believed that I was free from baggage and complications. My children, despite the usual child-parent conflicts,  were also in D-Groups and were active in church activities. I believed that I was growing in my walk with the Lord and that I was on the right path.

The first lesson I learned in Glorious Hope was that I won’t be able to move forward unless I admit my powerlessness. I had to get out of denial. No matter how I much I believed that I was okay, I really wasn’t – nobody is. Somehow, sometime in our life, we are hurt by others or by our own doing. We acquire certain destructive habits. We develop hang-ups as a result of past problems. And these hu-ha-has control our behavior and attitudes, sometimes unconsciously.

I also learned that I was a codependent. I derived my self-worth from the acceptance of people around me. My happiness was dependent on the happiness of my husband, so it was practically my obsession to please him, serve him, and make myself conform to his idea of a good wife, all in the hope of making him happy.

The most important lesson I learned was that unless I commit my life to the Lord, I will remain a failure and will never really recover. My completeness can only be found in a personal relationship with the God who created this universe, and whom I can relate to through the person of Jesus Christ.

Each of the steps that we went through and the topics we discussed every Saturday allowed me to see myself from the perspective of others. There are hose whom I hurt or offended in the past, those who needed attention I didn’t give because I  was focused on myself, those I needed to forgive for hurting me, and those who rely on me and are disappointed when I don’t keep my promises.

With all the learning and realizations, I saw that I still had a lot of things to recover from. I would be able to triumph over them only with the Lord’s help.

Part 3: Breakthrough

As I attended each Saturday session, I was moved to follow each step, including sponsorship.  During the Spiritual Inventory process, Minda asked me to be her sponsor.

I did not know her. I never met her before the program. She was pretty much a stranger to me, even though we met in our weekly Step Study Group. To my surprise, I heard myself saying yes to her request. I was not sure how to go about it, but I accepted anyway.

One Saturday, we found that we were the only ones who had showed up for the session. God was at work. Here was an opportunity to do our spiritual inventory, and we didn’t have to set an appointment or meet outside of GH.

As we moved to a quiet place outside of CCF, I prayed that God would be the one to lead me. I really did not know what to say or how to go about the meeting. As we sat down in a corner table, I felt self-conscious. We were in a public place, in full view of everyone in the restaurant as well as those who passed by.

After praying briefly, I asked Minda introduce herself to lighten the mood and to start the conversation.

While she was sharing her childhood experiences, I saw myself in her story. I was the mom who left her children, and she was the child who suffered the agony of her parents’ separation. As I listened, God made me hear my own children’s despair and helplessness. As Minda cried, God showed me my own children’s tears.

I knew I caused my children pain and misery, and I knew that I had to ask them for forgiveness. But only then did I see that the impact could be so tremendous and life-altering.

As Minda continued to pour out her heart, God showed me something that had not occurred to me before. I had not forgiven myself nor my husband for marrying early and for leaving my eldest son in Ilocos for six years. I realized that my eldest son was the object of the deep-seated bitterness and un-forgiveness that I had harbored for several years.

I had attributed his aloofness and emotional distance to the fact that he’d spent his formative years with my in-laws. They were actually my own doing. When he was with me, I drove him away with unreasonable demands and unrealistic expectations. I expected him to take on bigger responsibilities, and I would always tell him that he had to fill in the shoes his father left empty.

God in His infinite wisdom allowed me to see what was in my heart: anger, resentment, bitterness, and pain, toward both myself and my husband. He showed me how I deceived myself into believing that I was okay.

Before the meeting was over, I prayed to God that He will continue to heal me from my hu-ha-has. I asked that I could finally reach out to my son and be close to him.

When I went home that day, I felt I was liberated from prolonged stress and tension. The heaviness was gone, and the impatience and intolerance were replaced with love, patience, and affection.

Part 4: Moving Forward

After that meeting, I looked at my son differently, and I am sure he noticed. Our relationship has improved tremendously, and I look forward to the day when I can share with him what happened.

I know that I would have to make amends to all of my children, and I pray that God will give us the perfect timing and place soon.

I have forgiven myself and my husband for our wrong actions and decisions. I believe in my heart that everything works for the good of those who love the Lord. I look forward to what He has prepared for our lives.

The Lord continues to mold me into a better person. He is still teaching me about humility, stewardship, self-control, and moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit. I am still a work in progress.

Thank you for taking the time to read through my story. All glory and honor belongs to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

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I am Boy, a believer of Jesus Christ. I struggle with low self-esteem and drug addiction. My journey through recovery is a painful, bittersweet story of what God can do to someone who has lost hope and made a mess out of his life.

Unlike others who get into drugs, I had no excuse. My family provided me with all I needed for success. I was educated in exclusive schools here and abroad. I was the only son in five children, well-loved by my family. There was really no reason for me to throw my life away.

It started innocently enough. First, I tried alcohol. Getting drunk seemed macho and fun to do. Maybe there was a need in me to impress and be accepted by my peers, because my father and I lacked the right father-son relationship. As a police officer, my father disciplined me with harsh words and a heavy hand. Maybe this was how he best knew to raise up a son.

But what I know was I enjoyed the company of my barkada (circle/clique).  With them, I learned to smoke marijuana. Unlike with alcohol, I enjoyed the high from marijuana. And from there, I experimented with other drugs like cough syrups and whatever drug was in at the time. It did not really bother me that these were illegal; in fact, that made it more attractive and exciting.

At first, taking drugs was my recreation. It did not affect my life, or so I believed. But later on, my studies were interrupted. I got kicked out of U.P. Engineering, and my growing drug habit and involvement with fraternities made me lose my scholarship.

Eventually, I finished my engineering degree at an American university. But then came my drug of choice, shabu, which further destroyed my life. My addiction slowly went from bad to worse, into a living nightmare.

Because of the changes in my personality and behavior, my secret was known not only to my family but also to the entire neighborhood. I learned to cheat, lie and steal from my family to support my drug habit. I sold just about anything that was of value. My life was centered on getting and using drugs.

I thought the life of drugs was a big adventure, but I was exposed to the evils and gutters of society. I spent my time in the company of drug addicts, pushers, and corrupt policemen.

In order to save me from my destructive and insane lifestyle, my family time and again committed me to different rehabilitation centers in the hope that these would help me change. But instead, my time in rehab was used to widen my network in the drug world. As soon as I got out, I went to drugs again.

When I met my wife, I decided to stop taking drugs. I desired a new life and a family of my own. We started to live together, started our own business, and had a relatively quiet life. I was content.

But after a few years, our relationship became messy. We were always fighting, so we decided to separate. Things started to unravel – I lost my business, and my mother, who was my emotional and financial security, had a stroke. I was totally devastated.

Not knowing what to do, I became bitter and returned to drugs with a vengeance. I became heavily involved in drugs and was in the company of notorious individuals. Drugs seemed to null the pain and temporarily fill in the void. The lifestyle gave me thrills and a way to vent my anger and frustrations.

I was angry with God for allowing these things to happen to my life. He knew I loved my wife. I thought that I was good enough for staying out of drugs while we were together.

I found myself back in rehab. While I was there, a volunteer from Precious Hope regularly visited and encouraged me, and he told me the good news about Jesus.

As a young boy, I had been taught about Jesus and His death on the cross, but I did not know what it was to have a personal relationship with Him. It was during this time of sharing in rehab that I received Jesus into my heart as my Savior and the Lord of my life. I felt relieved of my burdens, and I had peace in my heart.

After my confinement, I decided to attend a recovery program. But again, I stumbled. Along the way, I discovered that my wife had left for Japan and started a new family there. I was totally devastated and driven back to drugs. I became very destructive and suicidal.

But God is faithful. He did not allow me to fall into destruction and death. With the help of my mentor’s testimony, I became aware that I was not alone in my misery. I realized that we shared similar pains and hurts. This allowed me to stand up again and move on, but not that far ahead.

As I continued to feel the pain of my separation, I could not help but fall back into drug use. But this time, it was different. The high that I was expecting was replaced by the guilt and shame of betraying my Savior. It dawned on me: truly, Jesus went through all that suffering and agony to free me from my drug habit. I knew that in order to truly repent, I had to admit the wrong I had done to God, myself, and my family.

I knew that telling my family that I had taken drugs meant a return to the rehab center for a longer period of time and a loss of whatever rights I had. But I knew also that to truly repent, I had to be willing to suffer the consequences of my sin, to confess and make amends, and to ask for forgiveness.

To my surprise, and by God’s mercy, my family decided not to return me to rehab. Instead, I was allowed to return home with my two sons, whom I had neglected all this time.

Little by little, I began to know God more and more. I started going regularly to Bible studies and worship services. With my sponsor’s example and gentle prodding and guidance, I volunteered to be a facilitator in the Glorious Hope Recovery Program. By just being available for God’s work, and by going through the program myself, I was able to help myself and others.

Now I understand that God not only delivered me from my addiction, but He also desires that I be transformed, to become more like Christ. I surrendered all my pains and frustrations to His care and control.

By God’s grace, I have been clean and sober for the past five years. God restored my broken family relationships one by one. They now have no reservations towards me. Two of my sisters and my brother-in-law are now believers in Jesus Christ. My father also accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior before he died.

Almost all that I have lost has been restored. I was also able to pay for my car, acquire property, and provide for my sons’ future. It is just as Jesus said: “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all things shall be added to you.”

Now, my wife and I are communicating, and she has returned to the country with her children from her other relationship. God is still doing many things in my life; I am his work in progress. I know by His word in Romans 8:22, “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” I also hold to Philippians 1:6, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I have been so thankful for what seem like countless blessings every day. I am especially thankful for the privilege to be part of Glorious Hope and to witness so many changed lives.

To God be all the glory and honor.

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Want to share your story?