I grew up in a discouraging environment, where I was often compared, criticized, and humiliated. People’s words crushed my spirit. Our finances were no source of security at all. Since my father was a self-employed electrician, what comes in usually lasts for a day or two only. As a result, my brothers and I learned to restrain ourselves by not spending much (if there really is something to spend) and by not demanding anything from our parents. There was a time during college when I went to school with 20 pesos in my pocket, just enough to get me there. The moment I set foot in the school premises, I literally had nothing to spend. I had no choice but to skip meals and walk my way back home a distance that can be covered in an hour and a half.
At an early age, I had envisioned and resolved to lift my family from this situation. I studied in a public school when I was in grade school and became a scholar for the most part of my academic life—in an exclusive school during highschool and in the Ateneo when I went to college. I devoted myself to acads, fueled by a struggle for significance.
I was convinced that I was the one who pushed myself up, given that my parents were spared from spending hundreds of thousands for my education. I became proud. I stopped consulting my parents regarding my plans. I would not ask permission. I would just inform them about my decisions. I was disobedient, impatient and irritable. I would shout at them in disrespect whenever they ask questionsquestions that for me, are too simple to ask. At the back of my mind, I was thinking I knew better than them. I would curse them in my mind, make faces, and grumble whenever they reprimand me. I would not usually invite them to school activities because I was ashamed of them. I had caused them excessive sorrow and pain that made both of them cry not once.
As the eldest and the only girl among four, I abused my position to manipulate my brothers. They experienced the full magnitude of my violence both in speech and in actions. I would curse, insult, and criticize them. I would punch, pinch, scratch, and throw things at them. I was my brothers’ worst nightmare. In fact, they used to call me “bruha”. I questioned God’s wisdom then. I despised how He made me and where He had placed me. I thought it would be better if they weren’t my parents or if I were not born to our family.
But God did not leave me this way. In 2003, my mother was invited to the Purpose Driven Life seminar. We started attending worship services in CCF after that. But my commitment was half-hearted. I was exposed to the Gospel but I did not really understand it. In 2005, I attended a youth retreat in CCF Marikina. That was the third time the Gospel was shared to me and it was where I fully understood and embraced what God did to save me.
I learned that I was created to spend eternity with God but because of sin, I was separated from Him. I was a sinner bound for hell and no amount of good works and high grades can compensate for the penalty of my sins. But God, in His love for us, gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, the only person qualified to take our place. He died for our sins once and for all in order that He may bring us to God. But the grave could not contain Him. He rose on the third day and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. This is the hope that we have: if we put our faith in Jesus, we also shall live in eternity with Him. To accept or reject what He freely gave is our choice.
I accepted His free gift of life and for the first time, I experienced love in its perfection one that is never earned by performance. I have found real security. Since then, the cross has gradually transformed my life in ways unimaginable. A new life with Him put to death my old self. I hungered for His Word and thirsted for His presence. The more I came to know Him, the more I came to see myself the way He sees me. He showed me what I’m worth: that is, significant enough to cost Him the life of His Son. The more I see His greatness and holiness, the more I am humbled to be considered His child. He started transforming me into the likeness of Christ. And He started His work in the most challenging place: at home.
God changed my attitude toward my parents. I became expressive and affectionate in words and in actions. I learned to say thank you even for the smallest favors, I love you every time I have the chance to say it and sorry whenever I offend them. I submitted to their God-designated authority. I would choose not to talk back or to grumble. I learned to honor them by asking permission and by respecting their decisions.
God taught me how to be patient, especially with my brothers. They would often hurt me by disobeying or disrespecting me but I would opt not to respond negatively. I learned to weigh down my words before speaking, evaluating which words would build up and which ones would tear down my brothers. I started to invest in my relationship with them in terms of time, effort and money.
I gained the trust and favor of my parents. They also became expressive in their affection. My brothers also started responding to me in love. We stopped fighting over menial things. They would willingly obey me. They would respect me out of love, not out of fear. They would spend time with me talking about their smallest concerns. I became deeply involved in my family’s life.
When God called me to work fulltime here in CCF, I wrestled with Him for I was plagued with insecurities over my job and my family’s finances. But God’s call was irresistible. He told me He doesn’t deserve leftovers. He requires excellence and that if I’m able to do it, why not do it for Him here? He invited me to give not out of surplus but out of poverty to put in all I owned and all I have to live on. By this time, I knew that I would be missing out on His best if I refuse to obey Him.
Time and again, God proved Himself trustworthy. I never lacked any good thing throughout my stay here in CCF. I am able to help finance the education of my brothers and help out in household expenses. He blessed me with a work that I truly love and is consistent with how He shaped me.
God wanted me to honor Him by trusting Him. He says in Isaiah 48:17, “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is BEST for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” As a Father, He will only prepare the best for His child. I am assured that my future is secured in His hands. I trust His wisdom in carefully crafting every detail of my life. I am grateful for how He created me and for where He had placed me. He definitely knew better than I.
I am Joanna Tapar, God’s victory on the cross. To God be the glory!
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